“You can never change things by fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new model that makes the existing
-R. Buckminster Fuller
I am going to be very transparent here. When Dominic and I were first married I used to have a reoccurring dream that I would paint my feet gold, time travel to the past and use the gold paint on my childhood home and anything else that symbolized past trauma. I would then find that my time travel doorway had closed and that I was trapped in the past. For the rest of my dream, I would frantically try to get back to Dominic and my children only to come back to a place that I didn’t recognize and sit down to cry out in desperation. A handsome young man would then reach out to me in compassion and when I looked at him, he would say “Mom? Is that you? Why are you so young? Where have you been?” He would take me home to Dominic who had aged and all my children who were all around my age. I cannot tell you how many times I dreamt this exact dream in the first year of our marriage.
I WAS TRYING TO RIGHT THE PAST WITH THE PRESENT AND FUTURE
I finally realized that I was trying to fix my past trauma with a perfectly orchestrated present.
This was foolish and futile.
I could not give the little girl version of me her childhood back. I could not change the abuse, loneliness or brokenness. That season of my life was gone. I must choose to build my future with pure intention. I cannot build a future because of my own past lack; there is no amount of building that can ever fill the void of the past.
DO YOU SEE?
You don’t heal the past. You learn from the past, let it go, heal yourself and build your future with all the tools you took out of the past with you. If I am relegated to fixing the past, then I am also subject to it.
It’s time to LET IT GO. Your mind, emotions, and time are valuable and have so much more potential here in the future. Sometimes the trauma of the past requires an insurmountable amount of our strength to let go. I know. I’ve been there. It’s hard to let go. I felt like letting go was setting my abuser free and saying that what happened to me was ok.
I WAS WRONG.
Letting go set me free and gave me the opportunity to build a future untainted by the past.