Depressed at Christmas

Dear Heather,

Christmas is always a struggle for me.  My childhood Christmas experience was always stressful and every year I get depressed as soon as the season starts.  I think most of the traditions are pointless and I cannot wait for the season to be over.  The problem is my husband and kids love Christmas.  I am trying to decorate and do all the things, but I dread every second of it.  I want to make this season enjoyable for my family, but how do I accomplish that when I feel the way I do?

Dear Depressed at Christmas,

  Healing with children is challenging.  I do have some experience in this area although not necessarily concerning the holidays.  I think that it’s important to realize (and you may have already) that whatever dominant feeling is surrounding the holidays, your children will more than likely carry on….as you have. 

With that in mind, I will answer your question in two parts.  Twenty-five years from now, what would you like to see in your children’s homes?  What would make you feel proud of how you handled this season of your life? Everyone needs a “why” to overcome.  Think about the result years down the road if nothing changes vs if you make some huge strides to change your response to the holidays.  You obviously love your family and want the best for them, or you wouldn’t be thinking this way. 

What would you have wanted for your Christmas as a child?  You cannot fix the past, but you can reflect on it and create a better future.  If you are still struggling with depression which is possibly associated with hurt and disappointment; do you need to forgive some people?  This is important.  I would find some time to journal and write these things down and then one by one write, “I now choose to forgive….______”.  When you are finished, I would bury or burn the paper as a sign that you are disconnecting from the memories.  This is by no means an end all be all, but it is the beginning of changing the way you perceive the holidays.  Forgiveness frees you from the bonds of the past.  It is probably time to lay that down.  In my personal experience, the longer I hold onto hurt, the more it hurts.   I would then make a list of how you would have liked your childhood Christmas to be, and I would start creating that in your life today.  This is not just for the kids but will help to soothe the wound in you.  I think all of us, no matter how old we are can use a little more wonder in our lives.  I also believe that creating joy by doing fun things is a great antidote to sadness. 

Lastly, I think that Christmas is about the love that we exchange.  I don’t know if you believe in God or not, but I do.  Christmas for me is about God’s love for mankind.  You clearly love your family, so maybe you can see this season as another opportunity to show your family love instead of a season of stress and depression.

Merry Christmas!! I would love to hear from you!  In this new column, I will feature some of the reader’s questions on life, love, and family.  Please reach out to me via my website, HSHaygood.com, or find me on Facebook under HS Haygood.  Please write “Letters to Heather” in the subject line or at the top of your message so that I don’t miss it.  I’m looking forward to reading your letters! 

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